“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction, through the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God” 2 Cor 1:3&4
Last month was a heavy month for me. While still grappling with the loss of my uncle, I was faced with my friends’ loss of their little baby. I had yet to deal with that when I lost another friend. A young man who just got married late last year. As if that was not enough, I got news of the death of a co-volunteer on Nabuur. She died in a car crash.
I felt battered on every side. I could not understand anything again. I was operating on auto-pilot. I felt each loss keenly but could not give in to my grief because I had to be strong for others. I had to be strong for my mother, aunty and cousins who had lost a brother, husband and father; I had to be strong for my friends who were mourning the sudden death of their precious baby. I had to be strong for my friend’s young wife and the work on Nabuur had to continue.
I was floundering on an emotional tightrope and I knew it. I felt brittle and could feel I was close to shattering. I put on a brave face during the day and lay awake dry eyed at night. This continued till sometime last week when I entered my bathroom one morning to take a shower and suddenly started shaking. Tremors racked my whole body and I could not stop the shivering.
I sat on the floor, wrapped my arms around myself and tried to control the shaking. I could not.
I don’t know how long I sat there till finally I raised my head and looked out the window. I said “Jesus……..” and that was all it took. It felt as if someone wrapped giant warm arms around me and at that moment the tears I’d held back for so many days broke free.
I snuggled into those arms and wept out the pain, anger and sadness. My whole body heaved as I sobbed. I cried for the lives cut short. I cried for loved ones left behind to mourn and I cried for myself. I opened my heart up to the Holy Spirit, snuggled into My Father’s arms, held on to Jesus and allowed them to comfort me.
There is still anger, pain and sadness and there still will be for a long time but now I don’t run from it. I run to my heavenly family with it and they gather round and hold me in comfort. The more I allow myself to be comforted, the better I’m able to comfort those around me. And little by little, we are healing.
I still don’t understand why all these happened and I still don’t know when it will all stop but I do understand and know comfort. The kind of comfort only God can give. The kind of comfort that makes me a comfort to others. And I am grateful for it.